Before I Go
by steepedinshadows419
Summary: 1x06 - Unsure of the fate of his father, Ryder returns to the Fort one last time to gather supplies and say goodbye to Jade before he vanishes into the vast unknown of the Badlands, uncertain of the fate that awaits him. Oneshot. Ryder/Jade.
The night was long and the fort was eerily quiet. It had been less than an hour since the showdown that no one could have seen coming. Everyone had been sure of their victory going in. Everyone except M.K., who had clearly been blindsided by being used as a weapon. That didn't affect matters though. Once the flip was switched, the tables turned. Amidst it all, Ryder lost track of his father. All he knew was to get away and to run. No other thought prevailed over that one. His confidence gone, his fear overwhelming and saved just before the boy from the compound with the demon eyes and the relic necklace tore him to shreds, nothing else mattered but the instinct to flee. So, he got up and he ran as far and as fast as he could.

And then he stopped.

The moon hid in the murky clouds. The wind ruffled his hair and cooled the sweat on his neck. His mind was racing and his heart was pounding but he knew he had to come up with a plan. He had no allies now. They were all either dead or injured or coming for him. He knew the same could be said of his enemies. _Had his father escaped unscathed?_ There was no way to know for certain, but he knew he had to take the chance of going back. He had nothing on him, nothing to save him except for maybe a plea to his grandfather. Caving to him in front of his mother was going to be the very last resort. Begging for forgiveness wasn't even an option.

So, he returned home.

No longer a fool, he took the tunnels underneath the compound and emerged in the dungeons where he'd once kept M.K., intending to kill him in the morning. He regretted not killing him that night, though now he wondered if he would've even been successful.

As luck would have it, Ryder bumped into no one as he crept through the house. He took off his shoes, so as not to make a sound and made his way to the upstairs, to the room he knew Jade would be in – his father's room. After looking down the hall in every direction once more, he slipped inside and gently shut the door behind him until it was almost closed.

Only Jade was in the room. She lay on the bed, covered by nothing but a sheet. At first appearance, she still looked slightly ill, but he could tell by the subtle smile on her face that she wasn't finished gloating from her early victory. He wished he could share in that with her, wished that he could know for certain his father was dead and tell her that they could finally be together. But he didn't know for sure and there wasn't time to find out without risking his own life.

Ever aware of his presence in proximity to hers, the smile faded on her angelic face and she turned to look at him. She sat up quickly, eyes wide.

"Ryder, what are you—"

"Feeling better, I see," he commented.

He was near a chair and was tempted to sit, to share some banter and maybe steal a kiss, but he knew he couldn't linger and so he stood.

"I don't understand…" She appeared confused.

He couldn't suppress the rolling of his eyes.

"Give it up, Jade. I _know_. My mother knows. And don't worry, I won't tell my father. In fact, I'm actually proud of you. That was a bold move, risking your life for the chance to save it in the future."

She pulled back the sheet and came around the bed to stand before him. He saw something in her eyes that made him hope. He shouldn't want it and he knew he wouldn't get it, but the desire was there all the same.

Jade opened her mouth and closed it several time before finally speaking.

"What going on, Ryder?" she asked softly. "Where's Quinn?"

His first instinct whenever she mentioned his father had always been rage. _Why did she have to mention him? Was it not enough to see her look affectionately into his father's eyes the way she only did in private with him and now not at all?_

But this time was different.

"I don't know," he said instead, swallowing hard.

She paled, not from sickness this time.

"Ryder, what _happened_?" her voice cracked. "Did you _kill_ him?"

The panic emanating so clearly from her threatened to swamp his self control. He turned away from her, determined not to make a scene. The last thing he needed was servants running from down the hall to investigate the loud noise of shouts or overturned tables and chairs.

"Would you hate me if I did?" he said coldly.

She said nothing.

He sighed. "No, I didn't kill him."

Her sigh of relief crushed him, but her follow up remark restored his spirit.

"Thank goodness. I can only imagine what would happen to you if you did…"

He turned toward her.

"You think I can't take care of myself?"

His voice was rough around the edges but her maintained concerned for him erased any true malice he might have had. Even her knowing look that followed could not make the anger rise up in him.

He couldn't help it. He went to her, clasping her wrists in his hands.

"Jade, I have to go."

Her brows furrowed.

"I don't know if I'm coming back."

"Go? What…wait, Ryder. _What's_ going on?"

He hesitated. "I…joined forces with—"

"The Widow?" she demanded in a harsh whisper.

His eyebrows narrowed. "A better ally than my father. She wasn't there tonight though. Others were. We were going to get rid of my father for real this time."

Shocked, she slowly backed up until she was sitting on the bed again.

"But you didn't kill him," she said after a long while.

"No."

She looked up at him. "Did someone else?"

"I don't know." He paused, and then to torture himself added, "He could still be alive."

"Did you…try to kill him?" she asked after another deafening silence.

Aggravated now, he stepped toward her.

"I did not come here to soothe you on the condition of the father I consider better dead than alive."

She flinched.

"I came here to say goodbye, because whether he is dead or not, I soon might be. So many people already are."

Her eyes widened.

"I was hoping your feelings for me might still be the same, but unless you've resorted to acting your part as Quinn's future wife in private as well as in front of others, they obviously are not. I don't want any more of this conversation in my memory as long as it contains only the words of the woman I love moaning over her future husband."

He stepped away from her and headed for the door, wishing he'd never come. He'd never wanted to believe Jade felt anything for his father, but Quinn was a manipulator. He'd manipulating his mother for years. Ryder was a fool to think he wouldn't do the same with Jade.

"Ryder, wait."

Her voice was a siren song, and one he would never be able to ignore, even if it led him to his death. He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at her. She closed the distance between them and laid her hand gently on his arm.

Time froze as her other hand lifted and rested along the side of his face. His eyes closed and he reveled in her touch. He let his mind drift away to a time when it was always like this, when it was only ever them playing in the fields, him sneaking her away to steal a kiss behind the house, away from all prying eyes, even when it was safe to be together in front of others.

"Ryder," she said softly, his name a lullaby on her lips but enough of a call for him to return to the present.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. Tears had settled in the depths of her eyes and threatened to spill over onto her pristine face, no longer pale from sickness but vibrant in the need to keep him near.

"I…" She swallowed hard. "I want to tell you not to go, but I'm afraid that might mean your death."

He turned so he faced her fully and let one of his hands cup her face.

"I told you not to…" A tear fell and he caught with his thumb. "Oh Ryder, why couldn't you have listened?"

He had a million reasons, all very selfish and fitting of a spoiled boy and a neglected heir. None would satisfy her and more tears down her face might be enough to keep him put or too long. He let his forehead brush hers and closed his eyes again. He didn't expect to feel this again, not with her, not with anyone. But he wanted to remember it. He wanted this, right here, to be what kept him going.

"You are so…so beautiful, Jade," he murmured, his eyes still closed. He felt the dampness on her cheeks as it multiplied and she cried silently. "All I ever wanted was to be Baron, and to have you by my side as I ruled the Badlands – as _we_ ruled, together."

She pulled him closer, so they were holding each other. His arms wrapped around her and he buried his face in her hair.

Jade managed to cease her sniffling enough to respond, "That's all I wanted too."

Time passed, the seconds ticking away until Ryder knew it was time to go. He forced himself to let go of her. He gave her one more lingering look and then headed for the door again. He still had to gather enough to keep him going while he was on the move. He had to formulate a plan but he couldn't do it while inside this house or even on the grounds inside the walls.

He heard her light footsteps as she suddenly raced to where he was, and he stopped and turned around just as she was about to run into him. His eyes blazed an intensity that matched her own and before he could say a word, her mouth was on his, her hands around his neck, in his hair, giving him everything he needed, wanted, desired, before he could never have it again. His hands roamed down her back, over her hips, in her hair, seeking every crevice, every curve, every inch of silk. Her scent flooded his senses and took over his mind. It was with the great reluctance and a deprivation of oxygen only that both of them were able to pull away.

The stare down was just as intense as before, and said so much, so much that was afraid to be said out loud.

"If I can," he managed, "I will come back to you."

Her tiny gasp was barely audible. She swallowed and nodded, and then let him go. She didn't hear his footsteps down the hall and knew she wouldn't see him sprinting out in front of the house but she knew he was safe.

For everything that was against him, no one could say Ryder wasn't a survivor. Just like she was.


End file.
